Expand Your Philosophy: What You Want Isn’t What You Need - Why the Signals You Follow Lead You Astray

Short principles for long-term clarity—and occasional epiphanies.

Why does getting the thing we wanted still feel like not enough?

“When you mistake the symbol for the source, you chase certainty and miss truth. By naming the real need, you allow yourself to reclaim the freedom to choose differently.”

Have you ever looked at your life, your relationships, your job, your achievements and quietly asked, ‘Why don’t I feel whole?’. We’re surrounded by things meant to sustain or fulfill us, but so often, what we reach for isn’t what we truly need. They’re stand-ins. What if the problem isn’t what you have, but what you think it’s supposed to give you?  The moment you begin to ask why you reach instead of just what you reach for, you begin to reclaim authorship of - and freedom in - your life.

Needs are personal. They’re not just about survival, but about what truly sustains us - security, connection, autonomy, and joy. You might know Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs, but that’s only one lens. A need isn’t the thing we reach for. It’s the condition we hope to satisfy when we reach - avoiding harm, satisfying hunger, cultivating safety, forging connection, among many more. Often, we confuse the two. That confusion, between the thing and the need, is where many of us get stuck.

You might confuse what you reach for with what you actually need. A job, a relationship, an achievement – they feel like answers. Tangible, respectable, rewarded. We think we want the thing. But more often, it’s just a familiar solution handed to us by someone else. It’s not your fault. So many of these beliefs weren’t chosen, they were inherited. Hand-me-down expectations, dressed up as needs. They condition you to focus on what you have, not what you require. The object becomes the goal. The deeper truth remains unnamed. And yet, it’s easy, so easy, to mistake the stand-in for the source.

Modern life and consumer culture teaches us, almost invisibly and without question, to value the symbol over the substance. Not true fulfillment, but the idea of it. You’re conditioned, subtly and constantly, to believe that your wants are your own when in fact they’ve often been shaped for you. That it’s not your need that matters, but the product that promises to satisfy it. This narrative is baked into our systems, into everything. Marketing, at its best, educates you about potential. At its worst, manipulates and distorts your reality by exploiting psychological shortcuts to make you feel like you’re missing out. Consider frameworks like Jobs to Be Done: it is useful for identifying genuine problems, but dangerous when twisted to sell shallow solutions. That’s the trick: it thrives on the obfuscation that owning the object means the need is met - confusing the product with the outcome, the thing with the need.

A job becomes security. A body becomes self-worth. A house becomes happiness.

But these are false proxies—stand-ins, symbols, shiny covers on a book we never get to read.

The feeling of “not enough”, in your work, your self-worth, your life, isn’t personal failure. It’s the result of a culture built on transactions. You’ve been taught to see yourself as a unit of productivity, value, or desirability. It’s no wonder that chasing “the thing” often feels hollow or misaligned – Easily exemplified in the fear of missing out (FOMO). So, let’s see if we can make this pattern tangible, so that you can understand it and maybe loosen its grip.

Here are some more examples to help clarify the pattern, replacing the “thing” with the experience it represents:

• Finding your ‘forever partner’ is the proxy - the need is to be loved. You don’t need a partner. You need to be loved.

• Having your job is the proxy – the need is to feel financially secure. You don’t need your job. You need to feel secure.

• Being popular is the proxy – the need is to feel appreciated. You don’t need to be beautiful, cool, or liked. You need to feel appreciated.

Now that you’ve seen part of the pattern, the next step is learning how to spot it in your own world, and uncover the places where change could make a meaningful difference.

Naming the Real Need

If you’re unsure what your real need is, you can ask a deceptively simple question:

Imagine that [thing] gives me exactly what I wanted, what problem does this actually solve for me?

This kind of question helps you name the true need beneath the object. And have named the need, other possibilities start to open. In product design, this reflective process is part of a Solution-Opportunity tree. It is a way to explore multiple paths to solve a deeper problem before fixating on one solution. It’s a reminder that the first thing we reach for isn’t always the only, or best, way to meet what matters. This is laddering up - not in a corporate, success-driven way, but in a reflective, zoomed-out kind of way.

Take the thing you're fixated on — say, your job.

What need does that job meet? Maybe it's money.

But what does money solve for? Maybe it’s security.

And beneath that? Safety.

This isn’t really a ladder. It’s a lens. You zoom out, just enough to be useful, to see what’s really going on, the real problem. Then, when you zoom back in, you’re aiming with clarity and purpose, not guessing in the dark. Humans don’t abstract to escape reality. We do it so we can move within and through reality, with intention, towards solution.

Let’s try another example:

You bought a Netflix subscription. Let’s say it satisfied something. But what?

• Were you bored?

• Did you want entertainment?

• Did you want a way to connect with your friends?

• Studying dialogue as a writer?

• Exploring User Experience (UX) or visual design as a web designer?

• Or maybe… you just didn’t want to feel alone at night?

There is always a reason behind what you do. You are always meeting a need. Even when it’s not obvious or it doesn’t make sense to anyone else. That’s not a flaw – it’s your humanity. The key isn’t just naming the thing. It’s learning that the naming process undercovers the why beneath it all. Because once you do that, new paths and solutions appear. Better ones. Truer ones. Ones that actually nourish you.

When Proxies Take Over

Nowhere is misalignment between a false proxy and needs more visible - or more tragic - than in addiction, where needs are painfully rerouted through false proxies, often by force.

• I need heroin to feel alive – Chemically distorting reality, rewiring need into craving and dependency.

• I need alcohol to feel myself – Numbing pain, offering the illusion of peace

• I need to gamble to enjoy myself – Seducing the brain with false reward, masking emptiness as exhilaration, and allowing for escape.

These dependencies force ideas into the rigid form: ‘I must have [thing] to get [need]’. Deep existential needs get mischannelled into surface-level solutions – unyielding, self-reinforcing, and hard to escape. Often, we’re driven not by our own clarity, but by external forces: unethical consumerist motives or chemically induced cravings. These proxies are sold to us as personal benefits, but they primarily serve someone else’s agenda.

The Signals We Follow

If we look to other domains, we find powerful parallels. Design teaches us something powerful: signals shape our sense of what's possible. In design, affordances are what an object allows you to do—like how a ball affords rolling, throwing, or bouncing. Signifiers are the signals that tell you what to do with it—like a button that says “Push” or a handle that invites you to pull. Life works the same way. You encounter things—jobs, partners, titles—that signal they’ll meet your needs. But what they afford you emotionally might fall short. Sometimes the signal is loud. Sometimes it’s subtle. And sometimes it’s entirely misleading, or even manipulative (just think of urgency scams). And when you listen, really listen, to the feedback that follows, what it gave and what it didn’t, you learn to tell the difference between a signifier and a truth.

Every experience—especially the ones where things break—carries information about what you needed, what you expected, and how you respond when those needs are unmet. This feedback is a teacher. It helps you understand, even when the message is hard to interpret. For instance, an intimate relationship where you broke it off – provides information about (i) what you were looking for (ii) what you expected and whether they were realistic (iii) how you dealt with someone else and their desires over, under, or alongside your own. Understanding your underlying desires, and what it means for those needs to be met, gives you power. It helps you shape what you do and how you do it. It gives you a better trajectory. A better ‘why’.

Spending as a Mirror

Another example is personal finances – a tangible way to notice what you’re really nourishing with your resources.  Your money reveals more than spending habits; it points to your needs. That’s where money dials come in. A “money dial” is a category—like Travel, Convenience, Experiences, or Health/Fitness —that reveals not just where you spend, but where spending actually enriches you. These categories are intentionally subjective. They're not rules, but reflections: signals of where your spending aligns with your deeper needs.

The power of this tool isn’t in budgeting, it's in awareness. Noticing where your money brings meaning. Where it doesn’t. And where, if given the chance, you’d invest more, intentionally, for your own enjoyment. It’s not about control, it’s about insight. About enriching your experience of money by understanding the reasons behind it. Not every dollar has to be wise. But it should at least whisper something honest.

Where do you spend to signal who you are?

And where do you spend to meet what you truly need?

Creating Need-Aligned Solutions

Once a need is named clearly, you unlock the ability to see many paths forward, some that were invisible when you were fixated on just one solution. When you understand your needs, the aperture widens. Possibilities expand. New options emerge, some that may serve you better than anything you’ve tried before.

But when we forget our needs, or feel too lost to name them, life narrows. For those who’ve known depression, that narrowing can feel like a vice: the world shrinks, options disappear colours dull, and every path forward feels just out of reach. It becomes difficult to believe anything good about yourself, your worth, or your future. In those moments, we often cling to familiar signifiers—not because they nourish us, but because they feel safe. False proxies become lifelines without satiating the underlying hunger. And yet, even then, one small, clearly named need can be the first crack of light.

That sliver of clarity can reopen the world. We rarely give ourselves permission to imagine solutions outside the box we’ve been handed. But the permission to relabel that box for ourselves might be the beginning of everything. So, let’s start there, and dream some solutions.

To explore solutions that serve your needs, not just maintain the status quo, pause with me for a moment. Grab a pen or your phone, a voice note, or just close your eyes. Let’s start by figuring out some needs – pick something you think you like or are concerned about and ask:

Imagine that [thing] gives me exactly what I wanted, what problem does this actually solve for me?

Once you’ve got it, then ask:

If anything were possible—if time, money, fear, or perfection weren’t holding you back—what could solve this problem?

This kind of “magic wand thinking” isn’t about setting outrageous expectations. It’s about surfacing the best viable targets. Think big, think small, think silly, think soulful. Think possible, impossible, beautiful, quiet, bold – each independently, in different combinations, or all at once. The point isn’t to be right, it’s to be creative and expansive. The purpose is to gather a selection of potential solutions such that you can then determine which would be the best for you.

Try for 10 solutions. If 10 feels too hard, aim for 20. Or even 30. Give yourself the maximum permission to simply write down whatever comes to mind – not worrying about quality. Once you have a set of ideas, sketch a simple map—two lines forming a cross, creating two axes. On one axis, ask: How easy does this feel to do? (Hard -> Easy) On the other: How much impact might this have on my life? (High Impact-> Low Impact)

Place your ideas roughly where they feel right. Don’t think too hard about precision. If one option feels easier than another, let it drift right towards “easy”. If something feels like it could budge a lot in your life, let it rise towards “impactful”. What you’ll get is a cloud—loose, imperfect, and messy, but, in the top-right corner will be things that are both meaningful and doable. That’s your gold. That’s your compass that triages what to try first. These options don’t have to be big leaps. Even one of those ideas, tested gently, might be the hinge that turns your whole perspective. This isn’t productivity, it’s crafting possibility.

This is the real practice: tuning into the quiet signal beneath the surface, naming your need, and stepping gently toward something truer and truer. The metaphor is often that people who are 1 degree off are lost by miles before they realise – but quite the opposite here: these 1% adjustments bring you closer and closer to an intentional and authentic life. By acknowledging each of your needs as problems you can solve your way, it gives back to you in the ways that work best for you. Reflective work is the process of exploring the relationship and alignment between the signals we see and are told, and our underlying needs. An awareness of what needs you have and what you currently do to service them can provide a small foothold into movement.

These small steps, the ones that feel almost invisible, are how real movement begins.

Motion builds momentum. Momentum builds motivation.

And suddenly, you’re not just moving.

You’re running toward something that finally fits. Fully. Truly.

This is what a need-aligned life feels like.

Not perfect. But real. Wider. Reclaimed.

And most importantly – Yours to shape.

🗝️ Three Paths to Make This Yours - Unlock Your Understanding:

How would I uncover what I truly need beneath what I instinctively reach for?

• 🧠 The Thinker’s Path: I would trace each desire back to its origin until I find the need it masks.

  • 🧠 Map your top 3 goals into their underlying needs using a reflection ladder.

• 🌿 The Wanderer’s Path: I would pause and listen to what my body and emotions are quietly telling me.

  • 🌿 Use journaling or voice notes to record where your current choices feel nourishing or hollow.

• 🔥 The Challenger’s Path: I would question every ‘normal’ goal I’ve inherited until only my truth remains.

  • 🔥 Pick one inherited belief and redesign a new path that serves your actual need instead.

The truth is simple and hard: You’re always one choice away from a new path.

🧭 The Compass of Curiosity - A Pause, A Question, A Shift:

• Imagine you're a pilot mid-flight, and every warning light on the dashboard is flashing, no clear fixes, just signalling something’s wrong. What are those warning lights in your life right now? If one of them suddenly turned green, resolved, what deeper truth or unmet need would that reveal?

• Imagine you're a web designer reviewing heatmaps, and you discover users keep clicking a blank part of the page, because it looks like a button. But it does nothing. What might they be hoping for in that moment? Was their instinct pointing to a real unmet need, or just a miscue in design? What questions could you ask to uncover what they were really seeking?

🔥 Two Sparks to Light Your Thinking - Dare To Challenge The Ordinary:

• Ask “what need am I truly solving?” before every major decision this week.

• List five objects or roles you’ve mistaken for your real needs.

🎶 Resonance in Rhythm - Melodies That Echo Meaning:

• Let Her Go – Passenger

• Mirror – Catch Your Breath and Ekoh

• Numbers – Logic

• Scars To Your Beautiful – Alessia Cara
  

📖 Wonderer’s Toolkit* - Resources For The Inquisitive Mind:

• Continuous Discovery Habits - Teresa Tores (Amazon)

• Tiny Habits - BJ Fogg (Amazon)

• The Design of Everyday Things - Don Norman (Amazon)

• Nudge - Richard H. Thaler and Cass R. Sunstein (Amazon)

• Man's Search for Meaning - Viktor E. Frankl (Amazon)

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*These are Amazon Affiliate links through which you can support the blog

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